The Good Life

Dream On, Dream Out Loud.

2011-12-29T20:09:00.000-08:00

I was in my "office" yesterday, a little cafe on the corner with floor to ceiling windows. It was a blustering, snowy evening and I had a hot cup of coffee in my hand, fully enjoying the moment. I was reading "The General in His Labyrinth" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, taking thoughtful breaks to absorb its gorgeous story while the snow outside whipped against the windows.

Then it struck again - that familiar lightning bolt from heaven. A truth that came together like the pieces of a divine jigsaw puzzle floating easily into place.

On a scraggly napkin I wrote down what I heard: "This world will know no peace until nations are overcome by people whose lives become as epic as the romantic notions they have long been dreaming of."

You are a created being; and if you are created, you are loved, regardless of what you believe about yourself or reality. You have a dream, a destiny that has been programmed right into your DNA, and this dream has been buried under years of silt - false beliefs, lies, distortions of Truth. You are made from the same material as a star burning in the heavens - Light. The dark cloud you find yourself in has been allowed to exist only because on some level, at some point in your life, you let it in. You believed a lie, and this is the truth.

The greater Truth is that you are a firebrand of Love and Passion and Vivacity. After all you were created in the image of Christ, the embodiment of Truth. If you are vexed by religion, that's a good start because Jesus has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with excellence, fulfilment, desire, passion, joy, peace and love. The good life.

He is the one that, with a sparkle in his eye, lovingly planted the dream in you. The lessons and challenges you are living through are there only so you can fully savour the life that is in store for you. You are being chiselled into a masterpiece; and while chiselling is not pleasant, it is getting rid of all that is not You, and that my friend makes every second worthwhile.

"All men dream; but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes to make it possible." -- T.E. Lawrence

Dream on, dream out loud.

Good Times in the Graveyard

2011-12-15T14:56:00.000-08:00

I'm being sucked back into the blog. I stayed away, actually almost forgot about it, for about 5 years. Now it's calling me back. It's been sitting here, tapping it's fingers on the desk, waiting.

I thought I'd outsmart it, hide. I went as far as Mauritius, walked through a historically prized botanical gardens and all, came back and there it is - the Good Life, staring me in the face like a disappointed mother.

I look back at the writings of my past and think "interesting times." I think, what could I possibly have to say these days?

My smart-ass Blog answered my question with a question of it's own "What did you do today?"

I had a late brunch with my brother Roy. We talked about investments, life and women. To get to his place, I have to walk through a graveyard. I've been going to his place a few times a week, to hang out, change the scenery, and so forth. I tend to notice something new every time I take the walk.

So for the first time today I noticed a tombstone with the names of a couple, semi-distant relatives of my (late) father. Several thoughts crossed my mind right away. 1. I had no idea the wife was dead. 2. She died at the age of 71. "Young age" was my first thought. 3. Why here? They immigrated from Serbia, established a new life in Toronto and were buried in Kitchener, where they spent their final years. Somehow it seemed "off". I noticed another bad-ass tombstone with the name "Fitzgerald" etched in a fancy Celtic font. Nice. I love the Irish, so raw. Had to be a Celtic font.. you go, Fitzgerald's. That's one funeral I think I would have liked to attend. An Irish funeral...... just thinking about it makes me tipsy. Oh, sorry, back to the blog.

I wonder if my father's semi-distant cousins gave any thought as to how and where they would like to have the funeral conducted. My guess is no. That generation of Europeans carry with them a history of hardship, war, immigration and raising their small children in a new country, with a new language. Death is simply a continuation of life, another new beginning... why would it matter where the burial takes place? They just want to know that their children have been established, so that they too would one day die in peace (I involuntarily cocked an eyebrow after typing that).

Now I'm thinking about it, for the first time. What kind of funeral would I want? Would it matter? Beneath an ancient tree in an unknown land, my bones to be discovered and analysed by a future civilization? "What's that in his pocket?" They'd ask, scratching their collective brow. They'd never find out, how could they know what moose horn bottle opener is? Nah. Romantic, and boring. I'm thinking something that would make Snoop Dogg look like Charlie Brown. One side of me wants to OFFEND the prim and proper folk that would be trudging by the casket, paying their last respect. The joke would be on them, you see... I'd be off at some party in my new life, telling stories and such, and there they'd be, the walking dead, marching by before going back to making a living - hopefully one day waking up to the fact that they are sad because they have a distorted perception of Truth and Reality.

Somewhere on the tombstone would be written, in Cyrillic, "I'm not really here, yo!"

Ok, got it out of my system. Thanks for asking, smart-ass Blog. I wonder how many people fantasize about how they'd like to be buried? Been there, done that. Check. Time to get back to the business of living.

Five Years Later

2011-10-26T18:58:00.001-07:00

I'm here. What a rush... My heart's still beating. So that's what life is about. It's been 5 years since I wrote on this blog. Thought I figured out what the Good Life is about over the last few years.

I've been to many places, seen a lot, experienced many things for the very first time... some for the last. The food was always good. Almost always.

Bad heart. Bad, bad heart. Got me into quite a fix. Who the hell knows how many lifetimes it took to finally wake up to the Truth. God knows. Finally, the Truth hit me like an ice cold slap in the face. But that's what a calcified heart needs... sitting their like a sick fat king, leading me to certain death. Death by existence. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" -- Jeremiah 17:9.... Good one, Jeremiah, I couldn't have said it better. The good news is there IS someone who knows the heart, and can guide you through it's maze of hurt, help you get rid of the crap so you can finally be clean and live free.

It was that cold slap that woke me up, rattled my head, opened my eyes good.

Here's some wisdom. Absorb it, if you haven't already... the truth is, you're going to have to at some point in your spirit's journey back to the Divine. The essence of life lies in service... "Serve one another."

You haven't lived, until you have loved. Love isn't at all what I thought it was. Not at all. It's a force, a power, a vibe that obliterates anything masquerading as love. It pulls the pants down on false humility. It smashes the walls of pride into dust. It spits you out of you're lukewarm. It's fierce, unrelenting, irreverent. It is it's own law and it has no boundaries. It's Light, and darkness can not overcome it.

Truth certainly is a doubled edged sword... Slices, dices, shreds you to pieces until you get it. Jesus said that if you don't fall on the Rock and get broken, the Rock will fall on you and grind you to dust.

I chose, with a clear head and in my right mind, to fall on the Rock, to bow to Truth. If the heart had its way I'd still be stuck in some morass in Who The Fuck Knows Where.. Live, die, wonder why. Thank you, Jesus, for the slap. The breaking is still happening. Doesn't taste good, but who's asking what it taste's like? The medicine works.

I've found that the intensity of the breaking is directly related to the hardness of the heart. I had no idea I was such a hard ass. Break me down, my Friend, break me down... crack the clay off, sweep away the dust, so the real Me can rise up into the glory of my destiny, which is You living, really living, in me.

Addendum: In re-reading this post, I figure some may mistakenly get the idea that I had a trist with substance abuse - drugs, alcohol, etc. Not the case. My meeting with Truth woke me up to the reality of what Reality really is, and Reality is fantastic, all the time. A molecule is a molecule. Our perception, which is formed through a heart that's been hurt, confused and mislead throughout life, is a whole different story. More on the heart later - the centre chakra is the centre of our universe, and it's hurt. If you could see it from a spiritual perspective, you'd drop everything instantly and do what it takes to clean that shit up - and finally experience reality as it was meant to be experienced... Glorious and free.

I survived Sodom and Gomorrah, barely.

2006-10-06T03:18:00.000-07:00

I have walked countless miles in the shoes of a contemporary Christian. Now, throwing off all false humility, I count myself worthy, and very fortunate, to have been led through a spiritual Sodom and Gomorrah, where the fire of God has consumed nearly all of the religious dross that over the years has accumulated and crystallized on my heart, and clogged my veins with the molasses of law. Not yet having the strength of Lot, like his wife I turned around to observe the charred devestation which I left behind. Perhaps, like Lots wife, I shouldn't have as a part of my heart, the part that was cleansed with fire, has hardened in anger toward that which has robbed my youth of freedom, and replaced my clean and bright youthful innocence with a heavy yoke of moral and religious duty.

This "goodness" being taught from pulpits across the globe could have, and should have been borne and raised within me without even one pulpit propelled sermon.

As I stare at the fallen remains of my former self, I see a pulpit still standing defiantly in the center, hurling countless sermons, heaping countless obligations, burdens and guilt upon countless unsuspecting and innocent souls. I would be a rich man if I had a dime every time I heard the phrase "What a great sermon, I really needed to be reminded of this or that." followed by the moral act as instructed by the usually well-meaning pastor. I have to ask, why then do we need the Holy Spirit, which the Holy Bible teaches that it (holy spirit) reminds, instructs and reproves.

Right or wrong, I am headed toward the conclusion that firstly, a once spirit driven life of following Christ has, over a short span of 2000 years been replaced with a pulpit-centric sermon fueled existance. Is it no wonder miracles, in the Biblical sense, rarely occur today? If this is true, as I obviously believe it to be, then it could be said that every-Sunday-sermons keep us weak, and dependant on food that keeps us hungry and water that does not quence our thirst.

The best healer

2006-10-04T05:27:00.000-07:00

I believe that the most efficient thing in the universe is the universe itself. Whether you believe God created the universe as a perfect creation, or that the universe itself is an intelligent God, or if you are an athiest and believe that the universe is it's own creation; every way you look at it, the universe and everything in it is perfect. Imperfections exist only when that which is perfect is perceived through the lens of convention created by one species - humans.

Then, if the universe is the most efficient creation as well as creator and we humans are an extention of this universe, it can be said that our bodies - fleshly, chemical and spiritual, have within them perfect mechanisms for perfect health. I suspect that the best way toward perfect health, whether emotional or physical, is to release worry and the stress of "How?" and simply Trust that which we are equipped with as being sufficient.

Listen to your body, it will not misguide you. When you become ill, throw worry out the window then with peace in your heart trust that your body will do all that it can to make itself whole again, in the most efficient way possible. You will know what to take and what not to take, what to do and what not to do, on your path to healing. This applies to emotional, spiritual and physical illness.

At least, this has been my experience.

What are you thankful for?

2006-07-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

We sometimes come to God, not because we love Him best,
but because we love our possessions best; we ask Christ to
"save Western civilization," without asking ourselves whether
it is entirely a civilization that Christ could want to save.
We pray, too often, not to do Gods will, but to enlist Gods
assistance in maintaining our "continually increasing
consumption." And yet, though Christ promised that God would
feed us, he never promised that God would stuff us to
bursting.
... Joy Davidman (1915-1960), Smoke on the Mountain [1955]

_________________________________________________

Andrew's comments:

Take a slow look around your home. Now think about what you are truly grateful for, and what you have been praying for. The fact that so many in Western culture are so very thankful to be bursting at the seams with stuff we don't need, tells us that there is something very wrong with the direction we are going in.

The earth is bleeding; the air is rotting; 90% of the world lives in poverty; and we continue to accumulate, continue to be slaves to what we want rather than simply attaining our needs, then helping others do the same.

I am convinced the Good Life excludes excess in materialism, and includes more striving for community based on love, equality and the elimination of poverty. The two cannot go hand in hand.

I believe the Good Life is about freeing ourselves from the facade of materialism; facing the truth of Why we feel we need so much stuff. Truth is, most of us are bored without the stuff. And we are bored because our life has no Real passion or purpose, other than raising a family and working, then playing now and then (vacation, weekend party binges, etc).

Our salvation, and freedom, lie deep in our hearts; beneath the countless layers of false desires brought upon us through a synthetic lifestyle. Beneath everything we have accumulated. That's where the truth is. The truth about who we are, and what brings us alive and keeps us free.

Bacon and Eggs, anyone?

2006-06-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

Breakfast of Champions... or a successful experiment on public manipulation?

Born in Vienna, Edward Bernays was both a blood nephew and a nephew-in-law to Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, and Bernays's public relations efforts helped popularize Freud's theories in the United States. Bernays also pioneered the PR industry's use of psychology and other social sciences to design its public persuasion campaigns. "If we understand the mechanism and motives of the group mind, is it not possible to control and regiment the masses according to our will without their knowing about it? The recent practice of propaganda has proved that it is possible, at least up to a certain point and within certain limits." (Propaganda, 2005 ed., p. 71.) He called this scientific technique of opinion-molding the "engineering of consent."

One of Bernays' favorite techniques for manipulating public opinion was the indirect use of "third party authorities" to plead for his clients' causes. "If you can influence the leaders, either with or without their conscious cooperation, you automatically influence the group which they sway," he said. In order to promote sales of bacon, for example, he conducted a survey of physicians and reported their recommendation that people eat hearty breakfasts. He sent the results of the survey to 5,000 physicians, along with publicity touting bacon and eggs as a hearty breakfast.

Source: Wikipedia
***********************************

Imagine that, Bacon and Egg's was "invented" as an American breakfast in the 1920's. And we thought bacon and egg's has been a staple breakfast since the time of Adam and Eve.

Or do we think about it at all?

How many other routines have we become chained to without knowing why? Are these routines helpful or harmful? Who is behind them, and what is the motive?

By asking tough questions, and searching diligently for honest answers, I believe we will move closer and closer to freeing ourselves from superficial modern conventions and keep us moving on toward The Good Life.

Unconventional wisdom

2006-06-22T05:38:00.000-07:00

"Softness triumphs over hardness, gentleness over strength.
The flexible is superior over the immovable.
This is the principle of controlling things
by going along with them,
of mastery through adaptation." -- Lao-Tzu.

"Talents are better nurtured in solitude,
but character is best formed
in the stormy billows of the world."
-- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

"What is to give light must endure burning."
-- Victor Frankl

"When I was young, I believed that life might
unfold in an orderly way, according to my hopes
and expectations. But now I understand that
the Way winds like a river, always changing,
ever onward, following God's gravity toward
the Great Sea of Being. My journeys revealed
that the Way itself creates the warrior; that
every path leads to peace, every choice to wisdom.
And that life has always been, and will always be,
arising in Mystery." -- from the journal of Socrates.

Love

2006-06-09T12:13:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from "By the River Piedra, I sat down & wept"

Rarely do we realize that we are in the midst of the extraordinary. Miracles occur all around us, signs from God show us the way, angels plead to be heard, but we pay little attention to them because we have been taught that we must follow certain formulas and rules if we want to find God. We do not recognize that God is whereever we allow Him to enter.

Traditional religious practices are important: they allow us to share with others the communal experience of adoration and prayer. But we must never forget that spiritual experience is above all a practical experience of love. And with love, there are no rules. Some may try to control their emotions and develop strategies for their behavior; others may turn to reading books of advice from "experts" on relationships - but this is all folly. The heart decides, and what it decides is all that really matters.

All of us have had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears, "I'm suffering for a love that's not worth it." We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive. We suffer because our love is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules.

But ultimately there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth. The more we love, the closer we come to spiritual experience. Those who are truly enlightened, those whose souls are illuminated by love, have been able to overcome all of the inhibitions and preconceptions of their era. They have been able to sing, laugh, and to pray out loud; they have danced and shared what St. Paul called "the madness of saintliness". They have been joyful - because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender. Sooner or later we have to overcome our fears, because the spiritual path can only be traveled through the daily experience of love.

Thomas Merton once said that the spiritual life is essentially to love. One doesn't love in order to do what is good or to help or to protect someone. If we act that way, we are perceiving the other as a simple object, and we are seeing ourselves as wise and generous persons. This has nothing to do with love. To love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in that other the spark of God.

What's important to you?

2006-06-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

The marketing power pushing for increased convenience, individuality and comfort far outweigh the attraction toward a life of fellowship, community and a connection to the natural world.

If this statement does not make you think twice before buying that new stainless steel coffee maker or micro-gradient toaster oven, then I would be as bold as to say you are one of those contributing toward a planet which will not withstand the weight of the trash we abuse it with for our grandchildren, very possibly even our children.

Spending a few hours researching the effects of our demands for artificial comfort, artificial sanitization and "individualism" (another farce worth exploring) should leave you with a healthy dose of what is actually happening to society and the gift of our planet, Earth.

Corallory: Someone once said that the earth produces enough to satisfy needs, but not enough to satisfy greed.

The Omnivore's Dilemma

2006-04-26T19:47:00.000-07:00

True or false: One out of every four items for sale in the average American supermarket contains corn? (Think, think, think...) Believe it or not, it's true. If this unsettles you — or just plain doesn't make sense — pick up a copy of Michael Pollan's latest, which will change the way you think about nutrition and health. Pollan starts out by identifying the three principle food chains that sustain contemporary Americans. Two of them, the organic and the hunter-gatherer, have been around for a long, long time. The third, however, the industrial food chain, suddenly accounts for the bulk of our diet. The "omnivore's dilemma," we learn, refers to anxiety that accompanies an excess of options; specifically, when you can eat everything, what should you eat? One thing this book makes clear: if we are what we eat, it's getting so we hardly know ourselves at all.

The Treasure

2006-04-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

Today I exchanged emails with yet another friend who is wandering in the desert of life.

The brokenness and silent desperation among us is staggering. What can be done? I told him I would join him, sitting on the side of the cratered bombed out road of his life, where there is no need to exchange words, only to feel each others presence and gather strength from kindred spirits.

Tonight i will lift a glass of wine and a prayer to the broken souls who are trying to figure it out. And i'll have another glass for myself, also trying to figure it out. Hell, I'll drain the whole bottle for the whole lot of us.

Is it possible there is beauty in brokenness? Humor in the squalid condition of our lives? I believe there is, i see it.

The kingdom is a fearful and amazing place to dwell. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

The new barbarians

2006-04-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

I found this poem on the web, and it sparked something in me.

Author Unknown

dirt and heat
no rain been seen,
month turn year
turn misery,
shelter to none
shelter in need,
once glorious,
born from the loveliest seed,
named for the fruit
it offered to feed,
now broken,
gigantic,
not tree,
but weed.

The mandate of this Blog is to post "reflections on the eternal quest for the Good Life." I would say the author of this poem is on this path. His quest thus far has led him to a barren place, where dry hot winds blow sand around a parched heart.

Most people never find this place. It is a place where humility is born, where helplessness slowly gives way to True Life. It is here, away from the noise of life, that a person hears only the wind blowing through his heart. It is here, where deep pains and sorrow surface. It is here, where a man feels helpless and hopeless because all else has failed.

There is no religion here, no advice, no talk shows, no 7 step program for a better life. The desert is a place where a person can face his worst enemy and conquer him - the enemy of self.

A man is driven to barrenness and desolation through the fear of not measuring up. Not measuring up to a spouse, a church, a family, friends, community, the boss.

The last person who ever had to measure up was Jesus. And he wasn't short in any way. Which means, the very thing that you're afraid of is exactly what you get to look forward to. How could that be? Jesus either did a good job at all this new covenant heart-fixing stuff, or he blew it. Which do you believe? Or do you still believe at all? Or did you ever believe, in a way you didn't even choose yourself?

You're here, so I have to believe God has chosen you.

I hate cliche's, but you need to understand deeply you are loved for who you are. I stand against the falseness that you have believed about yourself. I choose to believe better things about you than you do. Ultimately, if God chooses to restore your clarity about your own identity (which is really Jesus in you) then you will see more clearly this path that you've been on and why it had to be this way.

The big disclaimer: It isn't better "understanding" that will bring you clarity on these things. It's not a formula, with a ten-step recovery system. It's not a Bible study, or any other kind of study. It isn't diligence, or better habits, or more prayer, or stronger brothers. It isn't anything that you think it is. It isn't what you've been trying to do. Because it isn't about trying anymore. Thank God for that.

It's death. Death at the very hands of those things that stand against you. Nobody here can help you die at the hands of your old self. But we can tell you our stories, if you want to hear.
It's life. Delivered into your deepest being by Jesus. Nobody here can breathe that life into you. But we can tell you what it's like to breathe deeply.
It's a mysterious healing light. Shining right into the darkness left behind in your heart. Nobody here has a candle bright enough to shine into your heart. But you can stand close enough to us to get some warmth, for now.
It's the hope of release from what holds you captive. Nobody here is strong enough to break the chains and tear down the walls that surround you. But we can step back, and describe the tower that we see you trapped inside. We can speak truth into your life.
It's a journey. Nobody here can tell you exactly where you have to go. But we are willing to walk a long ways with you, starting today.

Who are *we*? We are the new barbarians, sacking the new Rome.

My friend, you cannot shock us, so feel free to chuck stuff, and pitch more fits, and stink up the place. We are the new barbarians, we can take it.

Let's walk this new life together, in freedom, with love.

To the evening

2006-04-02T20:58:00.000-07:00

Sonnet "To the Evening" by Foscolo

you force my paths to wander
on paths toward the eternal void.
All the while,
These evil times fleet by,
bearing away the horde
of cares consuming time and me.
As I contemplate your peace,
the soul of the warrior
roaring within me sleeps.

Solitude

2006-03-23T05:53:00.000-08:00

Modern civilization is so complex as to make the
devotional life all but impossible. It wears us out by
multiplying distractions and beats us down destroying our
solitude, where otherwise we might drink and renew our
strength, before going out to face the world again. "The
thoughtful soul to solitude retires," said the poet** of other
and quieter times; but where is the solitude to which we can
retire today? "Commune with your own heart upon your bed and
be still," is a wise and healing counsel; but how can it be
followed in this day of the newspaper, the telephone, the
radio and television? These modern playthings, like pet tiger
cubs, have grown so large and dangerous that they threaten to
devour us all. What was intended to be a blessing has become a
positive curse. No spot is now safe from the world's
intrusion. The need for solitude and quietness was never
greater than it is today. What the world will do about it is
their problem. Apparently the masses want it the way it is,
and the majority of Christians are so completely conformed to
this present age that they, too, want things the way they are.
They may be annoyed a bit by the clamor and by the
goldfish-bowl existence they live, but apparently they are not
annoyed enough to do anything about it.
... A. W. Tozer (1897-1963), Of God and Men [1960]

Conviction

2006-03-16T14:54:00.000-08:00

When I quit my job and took a one way flight to L.A. in September 2005, I had no idea where the path ahead would lead.

At the time, I had convictions on various matters of life and faith flying around my mind, careening against each other; making sense, and not making sense. Extreme's on both ends. If you tried debating me on one or many of my convictions, I would have tangled myself in a web of my own design. It was like there were fragments of true conviction floating through a storm of confusion. It just wasn't settled in there.

Six months on the road gave me a lot of time to think. Read. Ponder. Look at the water and think of nothing. Camp in the desert and appreciate the wildness of nothing. Camp in the mountains, and wake up to fresh snow around me with only thoughts of getting warm occupying my mind.

Back from my travels, as I sit here in the livingroom of our house, I realize now much of the storm inside has abated, and the fragments of what is true to me are falling into place. I don't think it was due to me constantly thinking about it; it was because I didn't think about it much at all. I don't want to make this sound Buddhist or Taoist, but maybe the answers did come to me from the desert, from the water and from the mountains. Not literally, of course, but from the solitude of it all. In our busy, noisy society we are programmed to *do* to accomplish and not simply to *be*.

Part of the struggle inside involved polar opposites of the concept of Church. On one end, my ultra conservative upbringing. On the other, my reactionary rebellion wanting to have it my own way. I do admit to reaction to an extreme. Admitting this has allowed tension in me to loosen over time and cleanse my conviction.

Life on the road has taught me much. Living out of a bag for 6 months, mostly at the mercy of my hosts, taught me the importance and wonder of simplicity and minimalist living. Experiencing communities of people in different settings (ie, church, hostels, cafe's, sports teams, construction site brotherhood) gave me more reason to walk the road I am walking; to look for that priceless treasure, which is among us, and to continue being who I am with love, and without apology.

I am sure, very sure, one day all of my convictions, thoughts, musings and such will be put to more practical use than simply recording them on a blog. But not yet.

The Beautiful Sore Spot

2006-03-03T05:51:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with a peaceful heart. Brewed a pot of coffee, anticipating another day - trading stocks, mid day swim, possibly step outside for a while for a late lunch.

Sitting on the sofa with my coffee and burek, my notebook computer playing soft morning music, my thoughts started to wander.

I followed the tendril of my thought as it flowed from memory to memory. I saw my entire family gathered for dinner at our old house. Yasna was there. Dad was there. As I type this, my tears flow freely. Everyone was laughing, just like old times. The table was piled high with dinner prepared by all the girls. Roy and Saska were there, sitting next to each other, happy. The kids were running through the house. Dad was at the head of the table, not saying much; only smiling because his entire family, kids, grandkids and inlaws, were all before him healthy and happy.

I thought of Dad passing away. I saw myself crying uncontrollably over his hospital bed, kissing his forehead, as I spoke the last words he would understand - asking for his forgiveness.

My thought goes out, and touches all human tragedy. The wonder of it all. Why.

I feel the thought tendril penetrate an angry part of my heart. Yes, there is anger there. There is pain. It's buried deep inside, and I just felt it pulse as I passed through it.

For the first time in my life, I sensed what was down there. It is that beautiful sore spot. The accumulation of tragedies, mixed with the pain and confusion of life. It beats dully like a heart under molasses, but it's there. From it springs frustration and confusion. It mingles with my true heart, which beats true clean blood, which see's beauty and humour in every day life.

Why do I call this the beautiful sore spot? I don't know. There is beauty in pain and suffering. God is there, and God is beautiful. I can't explain it any other way.

For the first time in my life, I honestly don't know how to reach that beautiful sore spot. The need for deep healing struck me with full force. Christianity will tell me "Jesus heals." Psychologists will walk me through my life in an attempt to bring the pain to the surface. The driven person will tell me to shake it off, get tough and move on. The emotional person will cry with me.

No, all of this platituninous advice does not, can not, reach this spot. The cliches can not reach this spot.

I am finally free to admit, I do not know the answer. I don't know how. I don't need to know how, because now I know I don't know, and somehow that is liberating.

I think I will let God take over from here.

God

2006-01-14T19:01:00.000-08:00

When I say or read the word "God" it send ripples through the innermost parts of my being. For me, it's a good ripple, like a fresh rain drop falling into a still pond. I don't know why. I mean, whether you believe in a god or not, doesn't it do something? Go ahead. Say it out loud. Probably it does nothing. Or maybe something.

God.

Add one more letter "o" in the middle and you have the word "Good". Someone once told me the word God derived from the word Good. Which to those who believe that, I suppose, means "All that is God is all that is Good." I like that. Not in an orthodox, religious kind of way. I just like it.

Just a thought from a speck of dust on one of zillions of planets in an ever expanding universe.

Fly, lonely one.

2005-12-24T22:13:00.000-08:00

You've got to learn how to fall,
Before you learn how to fly.

Tonight, this Christmas eve, I drink alone. The others have gone to San Diego to practice and enjoy the sound of laughter, food and company.

As the festive sound of the Mexican's beating the Santa pinjata next door remind me of traditional good times, I sit here thinking of the many lonely souls contemplating whether life is worth living another day.

Rise up, because loneliness is a place of blessedness. You, even you, are a person.

Xmas eve 2005.
Hawthorne, CA

Words from Father to son

2005-11-27T14:20:00.000-08:00

Words from Greg Tucker (A.K.A. "Rivertree"). They resonated so true in my heart I wanted to repost it here.

"My son, stay tuned in to your best heart inclinations. You are experiencing some very unusual times right now. You are experiencing the strange emotions that go with being called into solitude, prayer, hiddenness, & profound simplicity. For the time being you must limit your movements & rhythms of life. Be sparing with commitments & careful with other distractions you've run to in the past that pull you away from this intimacy. You are going to find that the fulfillment of your burning desire for intimate friendships, shared ministry, & innovative ministry will not bring you what you so deeply desire. It will be a new and fresh annointing to feel these desires & their unreality. You will find that peace and anguish exist in this sphere side by side. Trust the clarity with which you know deep down inside what you have to do to be with me in this way. And the thoughts of living without things, places, activities, & people you've been so accustomed to no longer scare you for I am transforming you. These thoughts no longer incite fear and anxiety about what others will think, say, or do. You will find that even the idea that people who have known you and looked up to for years may soon forget you & not maintain connections with you or your world no longer upsets you. You will begin to find intimate conversations with the Father easy. You will go there but others around you may not--but you won't feel rejected or abandoned when they don't invite you into their world. You will become deeply aware of how close I am to your heart. There I will hold you safe in my love. You are finding that something totally new & unique is being birthed inside your heart. It will become increasingly clear that something inside of you is dying & something is being born. And there you must remain faithful, at peace, & surrendered to your deepest inclinations. You will ask yourself about how you've acted or performed things in the past or how you are to be and do in the future and suddenly you will discover that these parts of you are no longer meaningful. In the new life I am birthing in you they won't be relevant any longer. The background issues which have been the seed bed of your thoughts, ideas, words, & actions are all being slowly uprooted & discarded and you must realize they won't come back. There is a strange sadness which is coming over you that will lead to a huge emptiness and loneliness but you will find strength of hope in place of fear and axiety which has always led you to despair. You will feel exposed & naked yet completely safe and secure in me at the same time. I am where you are and will be for some time, but you can trust Me with the fact that I will show you your very next step."

Fear

2005-11-19T12:10:00.000-08:00

The commanding general in the Persian army would go through a rather unusual ritual with captured spies: He would give the criminal a choice between the firing squad or going through "the big, black door". Most spies decided on the firing squad, with the usual results.

Turning to his aide, the general said "The always prefer the known way to the unknown. It is charicteristic of people to be afraid of the undefined. Yet, we gave him a choice."

What, asked the aide, lay behind the door?

"Freedom," replied the general, "and I've only known a few brave enough to take it."

MORAL: Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the mastery of it.

"Fear not," says the Creator to the created, "I am with you where ever you go."

And so, I take another step forward, knowing not what awaits me.

Joy and Sorrow

2005-11-09T08:51:00.000-08:00

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.

And he answered:

Your joy is sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potters oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see what in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say "Nay sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is alseep on your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

--The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

I slumber no more

2005-11-03T14:38:00.000-08:00

Jasmine, my dear beloved sister, farewell for now. You have left us. I promise you this, in the name of Love, your death will not have been in vain.

Does the enemy cheer that it has greived another soul and her family... or does he tremble before this giant, awoken from slumber.

I propose the latter.

Jasmine, you have been appropriately named, for your physical beauty was an extention of your soul.

You left us in a dramatic fashion, and for this I am proud to be called your brother. You did not bow to the witchcraft of medicine. You simply sought to be at peace from the torment brought upon you by those who call themselves doctors. If you had only listented to your heart, and not your family, when taking the poison administered to you by the hospital... The poison that brought upon your physical and mental destruction.

Thank you, Yasna, for the gift of your spirit.

Enjoy your peace, dear sister. I love you.

Your brother,
Andrew

Resistance is Futile

2005-10-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

Today I have arrived at the tip of the iceberg of who I really am.

As I sat outside contemplating the direction my life has taken, and all of the mixed bag of feelings and emotions with it, I have begun to realize I am one tired person. Tired of feeling down. Tired of feeling tired. Tired of fighting.

It is time to start accepting the Person that lives, has always lived, deep inside my heart but has been to afraid of coming out.

Today I met myself. And today I have decided it is time for the true Me to start living, unhindered by the expectations of others in my life.

The pain I felt was the pain of acceptance; or the lack thereof. I look with loving, sad eyes at those I love, and feel a pressure to be as they want me to be. The inner battle has worn me out. It has brought me to a place of deep humility; the humility to realize that this is who I am, and who I am is the Person God has made and accepted.

As I sit atop the iceberg of Me, I realize it is the start of yet another chapter in my life. This chapter is entitled Acceptance, and I know it is going to take me further into this journey of Life that I am on.

I write this with the sadness of one who senses a rift developing; a sense of being ostracized by those I love the most.

I guess this is all a part of shedding the old me, and letting the New Me to the surface, breathing the fresh breath of Life for the first time.

Now I need to go let myself shed the tears that have been waiting to come out.

the problem of silence

2005-10-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

since i left my career job a few months ago, i have been living in california. i recently landed in colorado, and will be spending some time here with friends.

although i have given away or sold most of my posessions, one thing i have in abundance these days is time; and to me, time is the most valuable currency, beside love, that we can be given. some of this time is used sitting at cafe's with a book, walking along the beach, or observing life from a distance.

as i sit here at cafe sole in boulder colorado, i overheard conversations taking place around me. not that i was purposely listening in. i am within earshot of many conversations, and the sound waves happen to be hitting my ear and entering my brain. what i am struck with is these conversations, like countless others taking place at cafe's, bars, gyms and office buildings, are void of anything meaningful. the most popular ones are conversations about the weather, sports or how much people hate their jobs.

it's no wonder this world we call home is so screwed up.

people are so afraid of silence. most people are uncomfortable with it so they feel the need to fill it with whatever comes to mind first. anything except for what is important... jokes, weather, my kids grades, how screwed up my parents are, my job, stocks, sports, news (why is it called news, when nothing in this world has changed in 10,000 years - there have always been floods, earthquakes, wars, murders, suicides, etc.)

so what is important? what matters? the matters of the heart is what is truly important and healing, and healing is what our world truly needs. not news, not more sports, not more drugs, alcohol, casinos, work, highrises, etc. all of this is just bullshit being used to cover up the reality that life really is tragic; so people drug themselves with one of the countless doses available to them.

humanity has become so terrified of sharing our hearts with each other - the deep things that affect who we, how we feel, and why our lives are the way they are. opening your heart with a friend means you become vunerable. it's an uncomfortable feeling so we all avoid it and drop back into the mire of meaningless banter.

i appreciate silent people. some are just shy. but most are introspective, and do not talk unless what they have to say actually matters. when they do say something that truly matters, people will usually give them a strange look as if to say "i don't understand, you didn't talk about sports, what are you trying to say?"

most people are afraid of silence because it reveals a truth about our civilization - we really have nothing important to talk about. so again, we fill uncomfortable silence with comfortable banter about surface shit and "all is well again".

i read somewhere about a monk who, when he wasn't eating, kept a rock in his mouth for 3 years until he learned to be silent. not something i would try, but i can understand and appreciate the action. when you are talking you are not learning. when you are listening, you are learning, growing and allowing peace into a troubled, noisy soul.

bless the person who coined the phrase "silence is golden"

Which truth will set us free?

2005-06-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

This is one of the better posts I have come across that describes what Jesus meant when he talked about his "Church".

"It seems that "defining" moments in church history (times that those in charge tried to define or label or
dignify how the church met) gave birth to more rigid practice, which in turn became a methodology - whether written or practiced. Perhaps over time, our ideas of church and what we do when we are together have become so narrow that we really need to redefine what we do based upon what builds relationships. If relationships and love are the essence of our new life, and we have freedom to finally live as we were created to live, and we are guided by the Spirit how in the world can we go wrong? Now, I know that it has and does go wrong in practice, but could it be that people, you, me, anyone can and will return to the "methods" whenever we get scared and stop believing that the truth really really does set us free? At least I know this has been true for me..."

Progress is a lie

2005-04-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

Laughter is the sound of animals in distress, helpless and pathetic. Broken at the waist, holding on for dear life. Whole groups at bars, restaurants and in theatres, being tortured and pretending they are enjoying it.
-- The New Sins (2001) by David Byrne.

"Progress", as civilization calls it, is nothing more than humanity's drive to mask the reality of life. It's the reason the entertainment industry is booming. We are doing nothing more than perpetuating our own suffering by stifling real life with another layer of artificial shit that we like to call "comfort". Given enough time we are not only going to ruin and drive ourselves off of the planet given to us as a perfect gift, but we are going to go on and starting spoiling the rest of the universe, one solar system at a time. Beneath it all is a heart screaming to be uncovered, healed and reunited with Life, Love and Truth.
- cheech 04-30-05

Cleanliness?

2005-04-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

Cleanliness is not next to Godliness. Cleanliness is an artificial concept, a state that actually does not exist. This in itself if not a sin, of course, but the striving for it is. Clean fingernails, excessive bathing, sterilization and pasteurization, water filtration - all have done as much to increase disease and suffering as they have done to alleviate it. The presence of impurities creates a kind of natural immunization, and modern life, in its sterile bubble of safety, is truly a sin against nature.
-- The New Sins (2001) by David Byrne.

Letting go

2005-04-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

why is it so difficult to let go,
when you told me all i needed to know
to free me from the crap that the world calls sugar.
all i need to do is trust.
yet i still bust my ass and tighten my grip
on the illusion i have created and call my life and personality.
on this side of the fence i don't know who i am.
who i've become has been imposed onto me by the world scam.
the problem now is that my eyes have been opened to see
the chasm between Truth and lie;
but my heart is having trouble seeing and crossing
the bridge that grace created between You and i.
i can now clearly see right through the world system.
clearer still is the light shining through it revealing Your Kingdom.
i can feel your hand reaching out but cannot see it.
even if i did physically see it i would probably not believe it
because the cancer of self has fooled my flesh into staying within
this comfortable meaningless existance.
this poem is over for now as i strain my eyes to see across the great divide.
i hope to write again when my desolation finally drives me over the edge....
catch you on the flip side.

Gratification of desire

2005-04-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

The gratification of desire is like throwing alms to a beggar. It gives him food for today so that his misery might be prolonged for the morrow.

You are what you Eat.

2005-03-21T15:14:00.000-08:00

One-quarter of what you eat keeps you alive.
The other three-quarters keeps your doctor alive.
(Hieroglyph found in an ancient Egyptian tomb.)

Rabbit Trick

2005-03-16T20:13:00.000-08:00

Jay and I were sitting at a bar tonight having a good brew, watching a good basketball game (Toronto lost by a point - heartbreaking), and having good conversation. It was a good night off from a stressful week.

What could possibly come other than a few laughs?

Lo and behold, not 4 feet from our barstools, a bow-tie wearing moustached dude puts down on the bar his top hat with a fat live rabbit in it. Turns out it was magician night at Kelsey's Bar & Grill and his shift was finally over. Jay and I are amused at this cute, chubby little creature stuffed into this magicians hat, it's head bobbing around.

Bartender comes up and starts petting it and feeding it celery and carrots. Can't get much of a better life than that.

"Church rabbit." The words hit my brain with the force of an oncoming train. I shared the thought with Jay and we had a healthy chuckle.

Completely comfortable and soothed into complacency by it's master, the magician, this rabbit has long forgotten the days of running free in the fields, sneaking carrots from the smelly human's gardens and laughing about it all the way back to it's earthy home; forgotten are the days of basking in the sun, mating with the, uh, mate, and exploring the surrounding, endless world.

It is now held captive in the magician's spell of comfort. Stuffed into the hat, it cannot move, muscles once toned and taught, now atrophying as it's hand fed food to keep it tame. Worse still, the bartender tells us, to our horror, that occassionally it's even fed FRENCH FRIES. Welcome to civilization!

"Church rabbit." Hand feed it a steady diet of processed food, pet it for its performance, keep it in the spell of comfort and you will have a tame creature living out someone else's purpose.

everyone's normal until you get to know them

2005-03-15T21:51:00.000-08:00

man walks into a sheraton hotel where a church is gathered for weekend services, and opens fire. leaves several dead then shoots himself. no suicide note.

post tragedy comments: "he was such a nice person" "quiet and polite" "grew a garden and gave the vegetables away" "he might have suffered from minor depression".

corollary - everyone's normal until you get to know them.

organized religion, such as modern day christianity, keeps you busy doing good deeds while ignoring the most important aspect of our existence - relationship. we feed the homeless, and starve our hearts. we give money to charity but are spiritually bankrupt. we rush to look our best before packing into our local church. and our neighbor is in his house contemplating the most painless way to end his life. we come home from church to police cars on the street. and we say "he seemed like such a nice man."

everyone's normal until you get to know them.

the father of creation put into us a soul that thirsts to be known.

the father of lies keeps us busy placating the religious guilt with moral deeds while ignoring each other.

God don't make sense!

2005-03-15T09:59:00.000-08:00

"That makes sense, LET'S DO IT!" Thus began the demise of the world religion we now know as Christianity.

When was the last time something God did that made any sense? Joshua quietly circled Jericho several times to destroy the city - try telling that to Bush today. Our Father told another army to cut their size from 30,000 down to 300 before going into battle. He used a fornicator, King David, to bring us the most powerful work of poetry and music history has known. He used a barbarian dressed in camel skin with a diet of locusts and wild honey to come in from the desert, to usher in Jesus with his plan of rescue for humanity - the Kingdom of the heavens. He put together a rag tag bunch of fishermen, tax collectors and ordinary folk whose best skill was to doubt everything - these men later become Jesus very first disciples.

I'd love to see a society that teaches "that doesn't make any sense whatsoever - let's give it a shot!" or "The odds are impossible, I say we do it.". When that kind of thinking comes back into mainstream Christianity I will get a warmer feeling that we are coming back to our roots, the label Christianity will become lost in the history books, and we'll start living unpredictable lives that mirror The Way that Jesus taught; actually bringing meaning to ourselves and the world around us.

If it's rational, it probably isn't from God.

God and politics

2005-03-12T12:54:00.000-08:00

"The Left mocks the Right. The Right knows it's right. Two ugly traits. How far should we go to try and understand each others point of view? Maybe the distance grace covered on the cross is a clue." - BONO, lead singer, U2

grace

Our Obsession With News

2005-03-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

What is with society's obsession with the news?

It hit me on a recent plane ride where I had the priviledge of sitting on the very back of the plane. Looking toward the front of the plane, it seemed every other row on both sides, someone had a newspaper flipped open. Heads tilting this way or that way, reading articles. "12 dead, 4 wounded in Iraq. " That's new. "Minus 6 and snow three days from now". Hmm, interesting. "One step closer to human cloning." Yes, of course. Flip the page, tilt head up and left, start reading more articles.

I'm guilty of it. Every morning, tens of millions of people start their day with a coffee and newspaper. At home or on the train. They finish the day by watching the news. What is it that draws us to read what is going on all over the world every day? I mean, it's not like we actually do something about any of the problems that we soak in over a comfortable latte every day. It's not like we go to working pondering what we just read, allowing it to change us in some positive way. We read a tragic article, cluck our tongue, shake our head at the tragedy of life, then we put the paper down, finish our coffee and rush off to wait in traffic until we get to our place of employment - turning on the radio to listen to more news, while our mind is drifting toward how to get our finances, family or life in order.

The news has become a subversive obsession. We use it to kill time, and it's killing us.

On a personal note, something inside of me has been stirring to quit being a slave to the news. What will happen will happen, whether I read about it or not. I have to admit I never watch the evening news. And when I read the paper it's mostly out of habit, not interest. I never find myself being amazed or intrigued by anything that happens because I have an indifferent view on life.

My personal focus is to be who God created me to be. The world needs less news (better put, noise) and more people who are searching for goodness and fulfillment. If the entire population would stop looking for more news, and start searching for the Heart of Goodness there would be nothing to report on. People would be too busy living fulfilled lives.

I feel that in my heart's search for Life, I have gained another foothold closer to the goal. I will probably still open the newspaper from time to time, but now I have a realization that it is not what I want or am interested in.

Go and Be

2005-03-05T08:08:00.000-08:00

Go And Be (Audio Adrenaline)

You're like a letter that's never mailed
You're like a hammer without a nail
You've been standing in this place for far too long

You come to the table and you get fed
Then you hide it inside your head
Why not open up and start to run

Go and Be nothing less than you
'Cause you begin in Him
He'll show you what you need to know to
Go and Be every single day
Go and Be

You're like a winner without a prize
You're like a bird without a sky
You're not into the race until you run

So run with your life and you will find
All the things you leave behind
Don't mean that much when everything's brand new

Go and Be nothing less than you
Cause you begin in Him
He'll show you what you need to know to
Go and Be every single day
Go and Be

Will you be the one?
Will you be the one to come and see?
Will you be the one to go and be?

Go and be nothing less than you
'Cause you begin in Him
He'll show what you need to know to
Go and Be every single day
Who you are in Him
One who loves as Jesus loves
Now go and be
Nothing less than you
Go and be
Nothing less than true
Would you come and see
All there is to be
Go and be
Come and see

Written by Charlie Peacock, Mark Stuart, Will McGinniss, Bob Herdman, Tyler Burkum and Ben Cissell. © 2002 Andi Beat Goes On Music (BMI) admin by Charlie Peacock Productions/Up In The Mix Music (BMI)/Flicker USA Publishing (BMI) admin by EMI CMP
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The Good Life - where is it?

2005-02-27T08:23:00.000-08:00

Did you know that the English word for good derived from the word "God"? That amazes me. Humanity's quest for the "good life" is in reality a quest for the "God life", whether they know it or not, whether they want to admit it or not. The truth of this statement is astounding since from the beginning of time the concept of "God" (in the popular sense) has been the spiritual embodiment of all that is good and fulfilling.

I invite you to join me as I continue in my quest for a truly fulfilling life. I'm not talking about going from one good experience to another (ie, vacations, football games, BBQ's) with a lot of crap in between. The good life I'm refering to is not the "American Dream" (which, honestly, is one big illusion). The good life I am refering to is finally finding the treasure that is buried deep within every heart. The treasure that, once found, you would be willing to give everything up to keep is because it is so unexplainably real and fulfilling.

I invite you into a trek toward the unknown. Off the beaten path. Away from the mediocre and into the heart of Goodness and Fulfilment. This is the frontier life all over again. Except in this adventure I am not seeking a new land. The terrain is our heart, location unknown, destination unknown.